Today is what.....Wednesday, maybe Tuesday.....could even be a Thursday or a Friday. Don't get me wrong, I work! Like that wasn't enough, I work in IT!! There are days when I know what is what and then there are days when I don't.....most days fall in the latter category and I have come to a point that it doesn't bother me anymore. Again, don't get me wrong, I only have one child (a toddler), who I love to bits. Its just that love isnt enough when you have a day to go through, chores to be done, work to be done, him being on his vacation, maids are to be managed, mums are to be pacified! 'Mumma look!' he says each time he stacks ONE block on top of the other, there is still a whole structure to be built, but he needs me one block at a time. He needs me to ensure him, approve of him, make him feel safe, even if that means Mumma could be famished, close to tears, doing the chores waiting for the maid (who's taken an unplanned leave), mentally planning her day at work etc., etc..
So after 3.5 years of constant and daily struggles, living in a pandemic, going to therapy, almost quitting and then actually quitting jobs, switching to another IT company and surviving it through all, I have come to one conclusion....take it by the day! Maids will quit, mums will throw tantrums bigger than your toddler, toddlers will act like adults that will take you on massive guilt trips, work will suffer, dishes wont be clean, house will be a mess......I just need to remember, work can wait (i can work when he sleeps), mums need to be ignored (they have aged), toddlers will grow up, I just need to breathe with it all. All of this is a passing phase, I do my work as and when I have time throughout the day, i play with my toddler in the middle of the week day, I let off the fantasy of a perfect maid.
I cannot let all of these factors control my emotions, my mental state. I try and live in the moment and for once......let life take control of me. I am done controlling life.
- diary of a mother trying a co-working space today (and is a little lost :) )
